Accounting This Kind of Scare

The red ribbon is the worldwide symbol of support
and awareness for people living with HIV.

Once I heard that when you grow old, you would stop praying for the obvious material and mundane things and would pray for peace of mind instead. Recently I’ve surprised myself by realizing the depth of its truth.

I have done dirty little stupid things in the past and the consequences seem to be hunting me at present, like the threat of catching HIV virus for instance. Back then I didn’t think that it was even in the table. (I know there is no valid excuse for such things but I’m blaming it to the adventurous and horny teen hormones.) Then shit just got the fucking real when I’ve read an article noting the rise of HIV cases in the city where I spent college at, and then reinforced by a med student buddy who noted lymph nodes in my neck while we’re at it. (Umm, yup, we were doing it.) I wasn’t really gunning for an Ice Bucket Challenge but at that moment I kind of had an inkling as to how it was, having to feel that intense cold that sips through your pores and bones. It threatened my whole blissful being. For I am aware, that I have been, for the lack of better word, unsafe.

For a long time I set the thought and threat aside, convincing and willing myself to be negative. That there is no fucking way I have the virus. I am sort of in denial you may say. Yet still, the thought, the possibility, lingered on. I felt uneasy and troubled to the point that I would play possible scenarios before I go to sleep at night and on random idle times. It’s freaking toxic especially now that I am preparing for a major board exam. And that’s the instance where I became profoundly aware of what I was lacking, or rather, of what I have lost. I lost my peace of mind.

I kind of known and identified that the solution to the problem was to get myself out from all the guessing and the darkness of not knowing. I have to have myself tested. Then I can move forward from there. Yet despite the brilliance of that idea, I still deferred the process, maybe because deep inside I’m afraid to finally know and to confront the issue if ever I was in fact infected by the virus. Today, I realized that the choice of delaying did more bad than good. Honestly I think, the anxiety got even worse, for even the simple trigger words would jumpstart the scary and creative train of thoughts. And they would go on and on.

So telling myself that I’m sick of it, of having to be afraid of what’s still unknown, I decided once and for all to have myself tested. I was faking courage at first until I actually had it. Whatever the result may be, I told myself that I’d deal with it. If I tested negative, then good. If it’s the other, it would still be good for early detection has its advantages, like having ideas as to how to manage the infection and learn ways to live like I’m not dying.

After everything though, I think the point now is to not ever make a trade-off between temporary pleasure and long term peace of mind. I know all my pleadings and prayers have been heard by the universe when I tested negative. But things could have been different. The HIV scare was really a wakeup call. Right now I feel like I’m given a fresh start. To take this hard earned learning with me, i.e. that peace of mind is gold. Deciding from now on with that in consideration; that again, peace of mind is gold. 

Truly this has been a helluva learning experience, one that’s so petrifying and life-threatening it changed me. For this, despite the intense nerves that it made me feel, I am finding myself thankful. If it wasn’t for it, maybe I’d continue on doing the stupid stuff that I did, until it’s too late to actually learn and change. Judgment is indeed a gift. So cheers to a new start and a new life. Yes, I feel reborn. 

Finally, I am thankful that this HIV concern is being taken seriously now by the government and NGOs alike. I am thankful that HIV testing is for free, available and accessible. To tell everyone the truth, I just googled “free hiv testing in Manila” then took the LRT alone to get to the testing center. Done and dusted. Yes, it’s easy as ABC! So I’m encouraging you, if ever this article speaks to you, to free yourself from that cloud hanging above your head. Be tested. Be aware. Be safe. After which, do your part, spread the awareness, like this post for all its intent and content, is trying to achieve.

"13 Reasons" Got Me Like...

Credit: Tumblr. The Importance Of Netflix's Adaptation Of 13 Reasons Why

I’ve been watching “13 Reasons Why” recently. I started reading the novel way back then but stopped along the middle. I read to feel good, and suicide isn’t exactly a theme that you read about to achieve that. Yet because of all the buzz, I started to watch the TV adaptation expecting to stop again along the way like I did with the book. But Dylan Minnette, (yes, him) is so charming for his own good that I was hooked. He made his character interesting enough for me to go on watching. Now after everything, I caught myself actually reflecting over it. Here’s what I’ve got.

Credit: trailer-13-reasons-why-800x410.jpg.imgw.1280.1280.

Sometimes the things that consume us, the bad and earthly kinds of things, well, we just can’t beat them. We can try all we want, with all our might, and almost consciously will them to stop to the point of frustration. Despite everything, we just can’t. For there are messed up things going on in our heads, on our entire psyche even, like an uncontrollable car speeding up with a dysfunctional pedal for its brake. So we resort to hitting and bumping off things on our paths in an attempt to stop it, consequently inflicting damages on ourselves and our surroundings. It would cease to go on for a while, and yet the car, so durable as it is manufactured by a factory founded and forged by the strongest of elements, would stubbornly still start when triggered by the ignition, as if it has its mind of its own. Then the destructive cycle would be on its course again, piling up damages until there’s nothing orderly to disrupt anymore – until we are no more. No one can argue that this is not a weakness, for clearly it’s a manifestation of a lack, not the absence, of strength. And this is the kind of weakness that one cannot conquer alone by himself. This is the no-man-is-an-island type of problem. We all need help. I need help. The hope though is, for help to be always available and accessible, and for everyone to not just go ask, but to actively demand it when they need one. 

This reflection is also a bit influenced by my thoughts over watching the film, “Manchester by the Sea.” But just a little bit. Striking scene on the film though is the character of Casey Affleck telling the character of Lucas Hedges the line “I can’t beat it.” The memories of the tragedy, well, he can’t just tie them up and set them aside. So he has to stay away from Manchester. The memories are too powerful, he just can’t beat them. And I think it didn’t make him look weak. It made him human. Similar thoughts ring true over “13 Reasons Why.” Hannah Baker also can’t beat them. The thirteen reasons, I mean. So she did what she did, however morally wrong it was.

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So this summer vacation, I said that I will read a lot of novels. First because I like reading for pleasure. If I haven’t told you yet, I am a hedonist. So there I will read because it gives me pleasure. I just want to clarify that I am not the kind of reader who’s into books with profound themes and discussing deep concepts. I didn’t even have the courage to turn the first page of anything that is said to be classic. I will not read them unless I take a literature class and it’s a required reading. Not that I’m a shallow of a person and I can’t fathom the message that the books are trying to send across. It’s just that I read for pleasure. I am an escapist reader you may say. I read to somehow make myself forget of the shits of life. I just know that these classics are classic for certain reasons, i.e. there heavy and timeless themes. There, I am a reader alright. But I am not that quite of a reader to know of the legends of literature. 

Not that the things I read are of not much of good. I think I can pride myself enough to know what a goof story and what is not. I can identify, good prose from what is terrible. I can assess if one’s characterization is justifiable or not. To tell you the truth I have read a few books and stop it halfway because for sure it’s not getting any better, at least for my taste.

I’ve been reading a lot of Meg Cabot lately. She just gets the formula to a perfect light-natured story right. :) 

So my friend Bheck had me helping a batch of highschool students running for Student Council Organization. I was an SCO Chairperson and got a Leadership Award for it. It kinda feels nice having to share what I know. Actually what I did is just proofread their speeches but even so I felt nice having to be of help.

I kind of imagined having to share something to them if ever I’m given the opportunity to. If so, here is what I say:

“Hello guys! I feel really shy being here speaking in front of you. Miss Lorevic has me introduced in a very high profile manner. I am not. I am still a nobody. I haven’t achieved anything yet. To tell you the truth I will be spending my sixth year in college next year. How’s that for an achievement? It’s not very ideal right? But whatever. This is not about me. It’s about you.

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Maybe, for us to find a common ground here, I would like to share that I too am a Bridgetine, I am a product of this institution. I was an SCO Chairperson, Staffer of ILAW, member of Science Club and a Peer Facilitator like everyone of you here. I was on the same batch with Miss Lorevic.

I think what I would say is not just mainly for the seniors here but for everyone in highschool in general. I am sure that at this phase you still have this simplistic idea of the world. You still are very idealistic as I once was when I was like you. But eventually, you will realize that the world isn’t just black and white. It’s many shades of grey. You’ll soon realize how cruel the world is, and reality really do suck. Well it doesn’t just suck, it also bites hard. Not long enough from now, you will be in situations with real and heavy consequences, you will face pressure that will test your limits. 

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So the thing that I want to impress to you here is to live in the moment. High school is fun right? Has it ever occurred to you that once you graduate, you will forever out of highschool? I give emphasis on forever to let you know that you can never go back and be in the same moment again. It’s not like sex where you can just do it again if you miss the pleasure. It’s not. So again, live in the moment. Two or three years from now you will have met new people, have gone to new places and experience many wonderful things that will make you forget about all of this. So have fun. Have a healthy fun while you are still here.

Highschool, aside from being an avenue for creating good memories is also a place to create friendships that would last for a lifetime. So I guess one more thing that I would like for you to do is make friends. At this time, making friends is as easy as ABC. Once you’re out there people would just come and go. But your high school friends, they will always be the ones you go home to. You’ll understand this when you go home for sembreaks and holidays such as Christmas and Holy Week. 

So there. Live in the moment. Make friends.”

hollisframpton.org.uk

And so I am writing again my sentiments. I don’t know when will I be over this. Perhaps after graduation? I really don’t know. As I’ve said what’s really killing me is the fact that I am left behind. I can’t stop myself from thinking of what others are thinking about me. But I know I really should. Stop, I mean.

I just want to disappear right now. But I know I gotta be strong. Gonna be faking it to make it. After this storm, I know I will be a new man. I just really hope I would.

I don’t actually know if I am still making sense here. I just have this urgency to write. I don’t want to mind the coherence and grammatical status of this condition. I just wanted to siphon out my thoughts or else I’m gonna lose my sanity. And I really hope I would not.

My friend called me. And I am thankful to her.

I kinda feel that I’m becoming very needy already from my friend Bheck. Perhaps I should lie low with my texting and communicating with her. So I’m back with writing. Paper may not reply but I know it would be a perfect way to convey what’s on my mind.

So here we go again. I am not sure if I should be studying this summer vacation. I know this could be very helpful. But I am still very fresh from the failure that I am not motivated to study yet. Perhaps by late April or early May I should start studying Tax and MAS. I realy should.

Also I think I must re-establish my relationship with God. I need to. Looking back at everything I’ve accomplished so far, I am more focused when I am more prayerful. Yeah, highschool and early college was the self that I need to be again. I need to be that person again.

You know what? I think internet radically changed me. From that moment my father bought me laptop, my study habit had changed. So one thing I must change next sem is to distance myself from internet so that I couldn’t have my impulsivity take over me. I am thinking this summer as a warm up for this great change that I am planning. Damn! I really need to graduate this October already!

Walk strong. Stand strong. You can do this Zec. 

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Next sem I would do better in my photoshoot with the yearbook. I would communicate with the photographers more just to feed my vanity. I would study more.

By the way, I think I am just waiting for an invitation to be back with CSV again. I miss the times.

You know what my plans are for this summer vacation? To read a lot of novels. I just can’t commit to reading right now with this heavy feeling and weighing thoughts in my head that this whole frustration has brought me.

I am still thinking how to move my things from my boarding house for 5 years. You know what I realized that it has been where I lived for five years! I accumulated more stuff that now I would need to decide whether to keep or dispose.

When I got to Naga I think I would need to buy a sack to put my things that need to be discarded.

Failure Blues

hollisframpton.org.uk

And so it’s official. I failed Integrated Accounting. I was three points short from the quota of 87, making me not eligible for graduation this March 2016. For maybe a few reasons, the feeling sucks.

It’s just the feeling of being left behind that really kills me inside. Most of my batchmates are already marching this March as with the normal flow of our academic track. Some of them are even in the formal review centers already waiting for the final judgement i.e. board exams this May. So, because I am sure that they are to pass, I will have the opportunity to excruciatingly watch their testimonial dinner. It doesn’t get suckier isn’t it? Sighs.

Aside from that mentioned, I guess it’s the feeling of being inadequate, of being not enough.

However, as one of my acquaintances have said, I mustn’t compare myself to others. They know already what they want so they would be more driven and focused than me, a person who still doesn’t know what if I really want this. I must give it to him for making me understand this. 

Presently I am really not yet the person that can contain what it takes to be what I aspire to be. I can want all I want but it’s nature telling me that it’s not yet my time. They say that you are not the person that you need to be until you are. Change doesn’t happen in one snap. Changes are gradual and unconscious. It must feel unforced and natural, at least this change that I am heartbreakingly talking about should be.

You can say that I am just looking at the silver lining here to excuse my lack of study habit and laziness. To be totally honest I think I am really scapegoating too. I can say a million times that it’s okay, but fact is, it is truly not.

making-light-of-it.blogspot.com

But I guess we have the power to choose our own truths. I choose this. I failed yes. But this failure is for the better. This failure has just given me more time to improve myself in a safe environment so that I could conquer the outside world that is needless to say, unsafe, where errors have real weight and consequences. 

All I can do now is accept this temporary failure with finesse and honor. I shall carry on.

Another thing that this whole situation has given me is the chance to reunite and remember who I am without the laces of school and studies. It made me realize how distanced I am with my family and my home. This summer, after 5 years, I am to spend time at our residence with my family and the community that I have grown up with. This feels kinda nice actually, reuniting myself with my own self. This is my identity, the one that I forcefully forgotten in the vain and restless search for a dream that now is not making sense. It is my hope that this would rejuvenate the already tired and exhausted spirit that I have.

It’s a wonder how one negative thing branches out to many positive things. Now I am carrying on with optimism and much needed courage. There are lots to look forward to. May God help me.

Chain Reactions: A Reflection on my Community Outreach Program Experience

ezrani.com  

There were ten apples and five persons. One out of the five persons got eight apples, leaving only two for the remaining four to eke out. Later, the one who got eight apples found out that five of the apples are already rotting. Needless to say, the apples were wasted, and have not been put to their proper use.

The story above is what I have recalled during the Basic Orientation Seminar. I got this very meaningful story from my high school Economics teacher. It may have been several years already but it stayed with me. Unequal distribution of resources in this world is an undeniable truth. Majority of the portions of these resources are in the hands of the rich ones. Sadly, majority of it is not utilized as well. That is, the fewest of the few have more than they need, while the residual majority is scraping and sharing the little that is left. It is such an unfair situation. Given the chance to have a super power that could change the world, I will definitely focus on this issue.

Then the chance came, but on a different scope and level. I went to Punta Tarawal to clean shores. It was indeed a very enriching experience. As I picked different kinds of garbage, I found myself imagining the story behind each of them. Thoughts of, “maybe the owner has accidentally dropped this shoe in the ocean and he was very upset after” or “maybe this trash came from a ship that sank many years ago” or “maybe this one came from Alaska” or “maybe this one was thrown deliberately to the ocean.” It was entertaining in a way. But my last assumption made me very sad, if not annoyed. Here I am picking other peoples’ trash when I’m not even throwing anything at the ocean or elsewhere except the garbage bins. 

vapresspass.com  

That is when I realized that what I do or what I will do has ripple effects. Be it a good one, say proper waste disposal; or, a bad one, say throwing garbage in the ocean. Ultimately, it would still feel good and right if the chain reaction is positively leading to another. So, I must ideally always choose to do the good one, and not choose to do those that would be on the expense of others.

Perhaps I am very fortunate to have been oriented with this kind of thinking. Spending college years in the Ateneo has made me realize things that are of value, not just for me but for others as well. I honestly do not have regrets as to my involvement with community development and outreaches. I believe I have had my fair share of them. But what I wish I had more is exposure to the ills of the society particularly of poverty, be it through seminars, talks and even through immersions. I mean, I wish I had been more participative with the ones being made available by the different formation offices of the university. I hope I could be more knowledgeable with this kind of stuff. As they say, being informed is the first step to being transformed.

Now as I’m near to leaving the confines of the university, I would definitely be carrying with me the thrust, “Men and Women for and with Others.” I am an aspiring Certifying Public Accountant and am intending to practice my profession as an Auditor. By means of that, I could be an agent of correct statement of taxable income. Consequently, the government could collect the right revenue that is due. Hopefully, they may use this revenue to for the development of social services that the constituents deserve. Hence, it’s their turn to play their roles in continuing on the positive chain reaction. No one can change the world alone.

Reasons Why He Opted to Lie Low

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Each one of us is the manager of his own life. As a business student myself, I have learned that a good manager must be effective and efficient. He is said to be effective when all his decisions are in coherence to his set goals. Likewise, he is efficient when he can maximize his resources, by minimizing costs to get to what he wants to achieve. I believe staying as a member of organization is not in line with me being an effective and efficient manager of my own life. This is one of the two main reasons why I have decided to lay low my involvement with the group. The other is on the fifth paragraph. So please continue on.

This may sound a bit blunt, but as I tried to visit the office on first few weeks of the academic year, I kind of felt slightly unwelcomed. I mean, I was waiting for someone to invite me to renew, or give me the renewal form at least and say, ”Hey, you should renew your membership.” No one did. It’s worthy to note that I already thought that staying is not really wise of me to easily get to my goal, which is to graduate this academic year. Objectively saying, being a member will not improve my study habits, will not help me excel in my academics, and definitely will not pay my tuition fees if I lose my scholarship by not having to finish my course on time. This idea was also reinforced when our college’s Dean talked to me with regard to the subjects that I have to take this first semester (very long story) and made me agree to the condition of exerting due diligence on my part as student and lessening, if not doing away with my extra co-curricular activities. Hence, I was hoping that feeling these people's enthusiasm to still want me around would somehow change my mind a bit. I was trying to hold on to the group, knowing that for four years I have been with it and thus established already a relationship and bond, and thus at least because of that I can actually stay. But the circumstances tell me that I can’t have that motivation.

personalexcellence.co

Having my four-year stay mentioned, given the common four-year college programs, most, if not all of my closest friends in the organization have already graduated. Even the Chaplain is different now. The atmosphere changed a lot. I do not mean it in a negative way. It’s not just the one that I was used to and I don’t have the luxury of time to adjust. 

Moreover, on my fourth year as a member, I was actually the President of the organization. And not to brag, I was a bit of a legend. Laughs… It is under my leadership that the group had its very first St. Ignatius of Loyola statuette, being one of the recognized top performing organizations in the university. I even helmed the group to be on an accredited status. Now that there is a new President, I felt honestly uncomfortable. I know he does too. I am not sure but I think it’s a "predecessor-successor" thing. So I opted to not hang around for a while. Let him be the leader that he is meant to be without any pressure and awkwardness. I know that he will be great.

personalexcellence.co

The award that the organization got is essentially for its exemplary performance as a spiritual organization, giving activities that form its members’ spiritual lives and all. This really made me tap myself in the back for I feel like I’ve really been an effective instrument in the realization of the group’s vision and reason of existence; which, in point of fact, is to provide holistic formation to students through Church service. This necessarily entails congregating student volunteers to facilitate the community’s worship. That having said, I feel like I can’t do the “facilitating of worship” thing because recently, I feel a disconnect between myself and my God during masses. In truth, it’s been for a long time now. Every mass is now just a series of portions that I must correctly respond to. The worship is reduced to just a job. That is, I felt like a hypocrite every time that I go serve at the mass. But I still pray. I just gotten to believe on silent religiosity I think. I feel like I’m doing fine praying by myself. No need to go to mass. No need to help others have a quality time with their personal Gods during masses. I lost the right to do so when I have not been having a quality experience myself.

And perhaps because of me realizing that I don’t need to stick with people that I don’t like, I just gave myself the privilege to stay away with some of the people who don’t meet my standards as likable. (Sometimes, I honestly didn’t like how issues on the office and organization were handled. But it’s a totally different issue. Maybe I just have a different take on things and have just grown to actually have my own stance over areas of concern. Some people just integrated themselves much to their work that they get oblivious to the fact that it’s still a job. I guess for them it has gotten more personal. Or just maybe, at times I just felt used, manipulated, and my talents exploited.) Don’t get me wrong. There are really nice people in the group. There are just a small percentage of not so nice people existing there. I don’t like dramas. My life is overly dramatic by itself already.

www.theprospect.net

These are the reasons why I wilfully decided to mark down my connection with the organization. I don’t know if I just gave up on thinking of reasons to keep on or there’s just no heavy an argument for me to. All factors seem to lead on to ceasing to hang around. But as I distance myself, I know it will always be a home for me. It’s just time to move on. I feel like it’s just the right time to do so. What I am saying is that I think I already have taken the things that I am supposed to take from being its member – friends, life lessons, and moments to keep for a lifetime. In the same way, the organization has already taken all that it can from me. This break up is mutual. It’s time to explore new horizons. It’s high time to focus on what my life would be in the future. Damn, most of my friends are already licensed professionals and are living their chosen careers. It’s time to graduate from BS Org and actually graduate with the degree of BS Accountancy.

Conscience is the moral faculty of man which is meant to aid us in our decision making processes. It is like an inner-built northern star which guides us to the right direction; that is, to do what is good and to avoid what is evil. For this the Church posits that conscience is inviolable despite its tendency to err sometimes. This proposition goes with the assumption that before we opt to do a certain act, we have taken time mulling over its goodness or wrongness. Hence, conscience is the final arbiter, Imperfect as we are, conscience likewise is far from perfect. That is why there is a great necessity for it to be formed and honed.

Through our own mistakes, we learn. When we are in a tribulation as consequence of our own doing, there is no one to blame except for ourselves. We develop a sense of responsibility and accountability. We mature. Perhaps, this is the reason why the Church advises us to follow our conscience all the time even its imperfect nature, for us to mature and be more orientated towards the good nature that we are created to be.

Fundamental option is the mind-set that all decisions must always be towards the deepening of one’s relationship with God. Hence, every act must be an active response to God’s calling of love and justice. This is very vital to living a moral life for it makes one in tune to his good nature. That is, if morality can be defined as the standard that can be leaned into when judging one’s acts as good or evil, and one’s deeds are geared towards the intimacy with God who is the source of all goodness in the world, then he would probably would be living a moral life.

Authentic freedom is not one’s ability to do what he desires to do without limitations. Rather, it is knowing his limitations and doing things along the confines of them. 

 

 

 

It is almost always very difficult to go against the current. The society today apparently does not just tolerate hedonism, secularism and consumerism. It seems to attach one’s worth to material possessions and superficial matters. That is we are on a materialistic generation. Anyone who is not in sync with this trend will one way or another be bullied, discriminated and sanctioned. Who would want to feel that? Moreover people nowadays feed their worldly appetitive souls and disregard their spiritual and moral needs. We are very in touch with earthly and instant pleasures that we miss out the transformative learnings brought about by delaying gratifications. This is why it is very hard to be morally upright in this contemporary time. The spirit may be willing but the flesh is weak.

Of Sin

Sins are forgivable, at least by God. So I guess this is why people are committing sin again and again. But what would want us to almost always avoid committing sins is the remorse that comes afterwards. One does not need to have this very strong faith in God and keen awareness of the teachings of the Church to know that he has sinned. With this I kind of agree with the idea that sin is related to guilt. What struck me is the practicality of the idea. If one does not desire to feel this profound discomfort brought about sanctions imposed by the society, be it by the law of the lands or by just isolation, then do good, avoid sin. 

 

But sin is, in its nature is really of theology. It is by default related to God, so I guess we have to have at least an inkling as to what He is promulgating as good so as to avoid evil. And I am finding it hard to make this essay longer. I guess I already made my point clear. Most of the times I just follow what my gut tells me. This is not always bad, by the way. I would like to believe that I am in my own way morally upright man. I try to do what is good. I try not to hurt people or inflict discomfort to myself. So what I am saying is, I am not constantly asking myself “Is this what would God want me to do?” every single time I decide on doing something. I do things as they naturally go. But of course the major decisions need more reflection. In those times I consciously ask for God’s grace of discernment. 

 

Sins are just there. It is part of us being limited human beings; but, the idea of it is not the center of our all. We are ambivalent they say. We have dark and bright potentialities. But I believe we have the power to choose what to focus on as the core of our being. I choose to think that I am more capable of doing what is good than committing sin. Hence it is all in the perspective. Positive disposition would yield positive traits and deeds. 

 

Yes it’s good that we are introduced to the idea of sin. Let us not just concentrate on how sinful we are. Moreover, I really appreciate the effort of this subject matter to somehow bring us more to that place where we are to think that there is something there, a powerful being that is all good and loving. The effort is so willful sometimes I describe it as presumptuous. Not everyone is that in touched to their personal Gods to actually be that faithful, and that the idea of sin would make them want to be the perfect faithful there is the whole wide world.

 

Looking on the silver lining, I truly found it empowering to not just be following the teachings of the supposed authority as regards to this matter blindly. In a very enriching way, we are being enlightened as to the practicality of it. That abstaining from sin is actually for our own peace of mind and happiness, the authentic kinds. For the nth time I feel so privileged to be having the opportunity to be educated in this kind of way.

Of Conscience and Genuine Happiness

Doing things contrary to what the conscience tells one to do make him feel unhappy. All this time I keep on whining with my tribulations, particularly as regards to my studies. But I now realize that if I just follow what my conscience tells me is the right thing to do, failing grades is less probable to exist. I just thought how I just browse the internet and watch TV series made me less of a studious person that I was before. Deep inside I know that I must be studying. 

 

But I keep on putting pleasure over business first. So I started to become very frustrated getting very low grades than usual. Now I started to think that if I was just courageous enough to have followed the best thing to do, which is to study, I couldn’t have been thinking of shifting and be thinking of many other ways that I could be happy even not being CPA. I started to hate every day that I go to school. And that one may imagine is one of the worst feeling ever. But I did anyway. I went to school and attended my classes.

 

 I see now that the conscience is really made to be one of our faculties to direct us. Like the northern star, it tells us where to go. Straying otherwise would make us feel lost and unhappy. In the same light, the conscience needs to be formed, to be educated. It can also err. But all the same it must be followed. It is inviolable. With this I thought of those traditional politicians. I thought that maybe, because they have done corruption for a long time now, the sense of guilt is desensitized. That is, I believe the conscience be preserved and honed. And this could happen if we reflect over things and be in touched with ourselves. We must be open-minded, sensitive and receptive to learning. Setting aside conscience make us less of a human who is authentic. It makes us deviate from our very good nature. It makes less and less able to truly love. I don’t want my guilt be just a fleeting thing. 

 

For a time I thought attributing almost everything to God is lame. It makes us feel less powerful and less in control of our own lives. It kills our freedom. But now I am starting to believe again. God, or at least his teachings are made for us to be happy, for us to achieve our potentials to be good, if not the best. I just am wearing the wrong lens in viewing the things theology is presenting to me. As said, theology requires us to think beyond our own capabilities. And I guess I just might be starting to learn as to how. I believe being one with God is more humanizing than dehumanizing. Just as conscience makes us feel genuinely happy and more free.

Of God's Unconditional Love, Of Mysteries and Of Revelations

God’s love is unconditional. And that kind of love is something that I don’t deserve. I guess this is why it’s called a gift. I didn’t work for it. It is given by means of magnanimity without me asking. It’s a grace. I feel guilty that I take this gift for granted. One can even describe me as ungrateful. For one, I started to use my intellect to think that God is just a being created by man to channel their limitations. But is it not? I believe I am just on the process of understanding more this faith. Hopefully after this phase, my faith would be more founded and strong. Just like our bodies need to be exposed with viruses and germs for it to learn to adapt to it, for its immune system to be boosted, I think this phase is healthy. Perhaps, it is but right for me to admit that I am sick, my soul is sick. With God’s grace, I ask to be healed. 

 

The Parable of the Prodigal Son conveys the promise that when I actually come back, my faith renewed and restored, I would be welcomed with a warm embrace. Moreover, I was really struck how the said parable can ring true in my experiences. I am not the perfect child to my parents, a perfect friend and definitely not an ideal student to my teachers. But despite my flaws and weaknesses, some of the people around me just continue to believe in my capabilities and don’t cease on making me feel secured. Most of the times, it makes me want to change for the better. 

 

Maybe this is just one of God’s revelations to me. This is God manifesting how unconditional His love is - in a way that I could understand. This is God unfolding the many mysteries that his identity has. I once read from a magazine how one must not tell everything on a first date. One should let the other unravel the mystery. In this way, thrill and excitement is guaranteed. Everyone would agree that these two things are needed to have a happy relationship. There is boredom in knowing, in being predictable. Maybe God also applies this to-do’s in dating, in keeping our relationship with Him thrilling and exciting. He wants us to pursue him more, to know him more in an active search and a conscious discovery. While on the process, we also grow with our moral beliefs and values. Getting more acquainted with Him would let us be enlightened whether our actions are in accordance to his holy will. Thus, we become instruments of His unconditional love.

Moral Philosophy Versus Moral Theology: Plus, Fifty Shades of Grey

“By giving up control, I felt free – free from responsibility, from making decisions. I felt safe.” This is the part where Christian Grey is persuading Ana Steele to be his submissive, him being the dominant. I caught myself wishing that I could also have an offer like that. Being who I am now, almost unsupervised by anyone who has the moral obligation to guide me, I am, to be honest, exhausted. I feel tired of the responsibility over myself. I am sick of the confusion, of the questions of whether I am doing right or wrong. I am fed up with looking after myself, of making decisions and dealing with bad consequences. I want to be free. I want someone to enlighten me when I’m on a dark phase of a dilemma. I want someone to fall back into when I seriously fail or is feeling down. 

 

With this I realize that this kind of freedom, of living on one’s own terms, is not healthy, at least for a young adult like me. I am not ready, yet. (Will I ever be ready?) Putting this more into the context, I believe one of the main points where moral theology and moral philosophy deviate is its source of truth and of what is good. It’s human freedom versus God’s law. Moral philosophy is liberating in the sense that one could dictate as to what’s right or wrong. It’s subjective indeed. Maybe I am just a weakling, or just can’t handle my current situation, but I get to appreciate moral theology and its premise. It attributes the truth to the revelations of what is called God rather than to one’s experience and human reasoning alone. Somehow this powerful Being is the dominant, the one who is in control. We people are supposed to be the “submissives”, the ones who conform to the rules and standards set by him. In return, we are rewarded with consolation and burden that is light. 

 

Beyond all of this, I find myself not caring. I have been damaged so much I don’t have the ability to trust myself and any other unseen being. When the dawn breaks, I have to wake up knowing that no one will take responsibility over me, no one is there to adequately provide for my needs, no one is there to do anything for me. I am alone. Day by day, I am just getting by. I am afloat yes, not anchored to anything except to the idea that I need to survive. 

 

That is, in some point, this kind of discourse is superfluous. We get to survive even without knowing what’s what. But don’t get me wrong. I still pray and will never commit suicide. And I am thankful that I get to be in touched with this higher and more profound subject. As said, an unexamined life is not worth living. I believe this is just an opportunity for my beliefs to be tested. I am hoping to pass.

Have you ever been into situations when you are so tired or so sick and you think you just need to sleep and yet can’t do so? These are the times where you realize that what you think you need in the moment is not really what you have to have.

It is just recently that I’ve come to admit how fascinated I am with celebrities and the perfect lives that they seem to be living. I know, I know. No one’s life is supposed to be perfect. But these people, these beautiful and charming people seem to just have a way out of the miseries this cruel world brings. This is why I have this great respect to artists, the good and serious ones, not necessary celebrities, who let us believe that there is more to life that is still unexplored and wonderful. I have this fascination to this actors and actresses maybe for the reason that they are the ones on the front lines, they are the ones who directly get the message and emotions across. And when they do, the most amazing things happen, we are moved, inspired and comforted from our everyday tribulations. What these actors do is one of the few things that must not be set aside as something irrelevant. For people like me who are just holding on by a thread to their sanity, admiring someone, be it based on their physical attributes, wit or status in life, is just what we need to carry on. 

 

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Some say that people who have been through a lot of sufferings, hardships and difficulties grow to be the most humble. But I came to realize that this is a conclusion not applicable to all. For one, those people are the ones who were humiliated, were set aside and have struggled. They became very strong and courageous in the process. They are the ones who will come on tough and yes, intimidating. This may be described as a personal flourishing gone wrong but hey who could blame them? They’ve been through hell. With this I also noted that people who grow more humble and nice to the eyes of the supposedly morally upright society are those who received help, who experienced generosity from the environment, not hostility and embarrassment. People are honed by their reflections from their own personal experiences. In a way this is crucial, especially for young people who are just in their formative years, that is to say in their adolescence. They need moral guidance the most. They must not be left unsupervised. These are the times when reprimands and admonishments are most understandable and necessary.

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I am an over-thinker alright. Maybe I should just stop over-thinking.

Maybe I should just stop my excessive reflecting over things, over my experiences. Over-reflecting does more harm than good, I learned.

It’s just like zooming a picture. We zoom pictures in an attempt to know and comprehend the details that are on it. On just the right amount of zooming, it does good. But over zooming makes it over-pixelated. Over zooming makes it non-comprehensible. Over zooming makes it nothing. Zooming reduces it to just small squares that actually mean nothing.

So what I’m telling is that, the more I reflect on what’s beyond my thoughts and experiences, the more I confuse myself. The more I that I don’t understand what I’m trying to understand in the first place. That is, excessive looking over the details make me lose the whole picture. It makes the entire view meaningless, as much as the details become meaningless.

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I must not think too much. I must busy myself with work that doesn’t require myself to reflect much, and for once concentrate on things outside of my pathetic life. I need to not be idle. I need to be working. I need to be on the go. I need to be in motion. Being stagnant makes me think too much. And thinking too much isn’t good. Idle time is the devil’s workshop.

I need to occupy myself. And while on it, enjoy the mysteries that the world is unfolding. Over analyzing kills the magic, the fun. Uncertainties make life more thrilling.