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It’s just the feeling of being left behind that really kills me inside. Most of my batchmates are already marching this March as with the normal flow of our academic track. Some of them are even in the formal review centers already waiting for the final judgement i.e. board exams this May. So, because I am sure that they are to pass, I will have the opportunity to excruciatingly watch their testimonial dinner. It doesn’t get suckier isn’t it? Sighs.
Aside from that mentioned, I guess it’s the feeling of being inadequate, of being not enough.
However, as one of my acquaintances have said, I mustn’t compare myself to others. They know already what they want so they would be more driven and focused than me, a person who still doesn’t know what if I really want this. I must give it to him for making me understand this.
Presently I am really not yet the person that can contain what it takes to be what I aspire to be. I can want all I want but it’s nature telling me that it’s not yet my time. They say that you are not the person that you need to be until you are. Change doesn’t happen in one snap. Changes are gradual and unconscious. It must feel unforced and natural, at least this change that I am heartbreakingly talking about should be.
You can say that I am just looking at the silver lining here to excuse my lack of study habit and laziness. To be totally honest I think I am really scapegoating too. I can say a million times that it’s okay, but fact is, it is truly not.
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But I guess we have the power to choose our own truths. I choose this. I failed yes. But this failure is for the better. This failure has just given me more time to improve myself in a safe environment so that I could conquer the outside world that is needless to say, unsafe, where errors have real weight and consequences.
All I can do now is accept this temporary failure with finesse and honor. I shall carry on.
Another thing that this whole situation has given me is the chance to reunite and remember who I am without the laces of school and studies. It made me realize how distanced I am with my family and my home. This summer, after 5 years, I am to spend time at our residence with my family and the community that I have grown up with. This feels kinda nice actually, reuniting myself with my own self. This is my identity, the one that I forcefully forgotten in the vain and restless search for a dream that now is not making sense. It is my hope that this would rejuvenate the already tired and exhausted spirit that I have.
It’s a wonder how one negative thing branches out to many positive things. Now I am carrying on with optimism and much needed courage. There are lots to look forward to. May God help me.
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