Accounting This Kind of Scare

The red ribbon is the worldwide symbol of support
and awareness for people living with HIV.

Once I heard that when you grow old, you would stop praying for the obvious material and mundane things and would pray for peace of mind instead. Recently I’ve surprised myself by realizing the depth of its truth.

I have done dirty little stupid things in the past and the consequences seem to be hunting me at present, like the threat of catching HIV virus for instance. Back then I didn’t think that it was even in the table. (I know there is no valid excuse for such things but I’m blaming it to the adventurous and horny teen hormones.) Then shit just got the fucking real when I’ve read an article noting the rise of HIV cases in the city where I spent college at, and then reinforced by a med student buddy who noted lymph nodes in my neck while we’re at it. (Umm, yup, we were doing it.) I wasn’t really gunning for an Ice Bucket Challenge but at that moment I kind of had an inkling as to how it was, having to feel that intense cold that sips through your pores and bones. It threatened my whole blissful being. For I am aware, that I have been, for the lack of better word, unsafe.

For a long time I set the thought and threat aside, convincing and willing myself to be negative. That there is no fucking way I have the virus. I am sort of in denial you may say. Yet still, the thought, the possibility, lingered on. I felt uneasy and troubled to the point that I would play possible scenarios before I go to sleep at night and on random idle times. It’s freaking toxic especially now that I am preparing for a major board exam. And that’s the instance where I became profoundly aware of what I was lacking, or rather, of what I have lost. I lost my peace of mind.

I kind of known and identified that the solution to the problem was to get myself out from all the guessing and the darkness of not knowing. I have to have myself tested. Then I can move forward from there. Yet despite the brilliance of that idea, I still deferred the process, maybe because deep inside I’m afraid to finally know and to confront the issue if ever I was in fact infected by the virus. Today, I realized that the choice of delaying did more bad than good. Honestly I think, the anxiety got even worse, for even the simple trigger words would jumpstart the scary and creative train of thoughts. And they would go on and on.

So telling myself that I’m sick of it, of having to be afraid of what’s still unknown, I decided once and for all to have myself tested. I was faking courage at first until I actually had it. Whatever the result may be, I told myself that I’d deal with it. If I tested negative, then good. If it’s the other, it would still be good for early detection has its advantages, like having ideas as to how to manage the infection and learn ways to live like I’m not dying.

After everything though, I think the point now is to not ever make a trade-off between temporary pleasure and long term peace of mind. I know all my pleadings and prayers have been heard by the universe when I tested negative. But things could have been different. The HIV scare was really a wakeup call. Right now I feel like I’m given a fresh start. To take this hard earned learning with me, i.e. that peace of mind is gold. Deciding from now on with that in consideration; that again, peace of mind is gold. 

Truly this has been a helluva learning experience, one that’s so petrifying and life-threatening it changed me. For this, despite the intense nerves that it made me feel, I am finding myself thankful. If it wasn’t for it, maybe I’d continue on doing the stupid stuff that I did, until it’s too late to actually learn and change. Judgment is indeed a gift. So cheers to a new start and a new life. Yes, I feel reborn. 

Finally, I am thankful that this HIV concern is being taken seriously now by the government and NGOs alike. I am thankful that HIV testing is for free, available and accessible. To tell everyone the truth, I just googled “free hiv testing in Manila” then took the LRT alone to get to the testing center. Done and dusted. Yes, it’s easy as ABC! So I’m encouraging you, if ever this article speaks to you, to free yourself from that cloud hanging above your head. Be tested. Be aware. Be safe. After which, do your part, spread the awareness, like this post for all its intent and content, is trying to achieve.