“By giving up control, I felt free – free from responsibility, from making decisions. I felt safe.” This is the part where Christian Grey is persuading Ana Steele to be his submissive, him being the dominant. I caught myself wishing that I could also have an offer like that. Being who I am now, almost unsupervised by anyone who has the moral obligation to guide me, I am, to be honest, exhausted. I feel tired of the responsibility over myself. I am sick of the confusion, of the questions of whether I am doing right or wrong. I am fed up with looking after myself, of making decisions and dealing with bad consequences. I want to be free. I want someone to enlighten me when I’m on a dark phase of a dilemma. I want someone to fall back into when I seriously fail or is feeling down.
With this I realize that this kind of freedom, of living on one’s own terms, is not healthy, at least for a young adult like me. I am not ready, yet. (Will I ever be ready?) Putting this more into the context, I believe one of the main points where moral theology and moral philosophy deviate is its source of truth and of what is good. It’s human freedom versus God’s law. Moral philosophy is liberating in the sense that one could dictate as to what’s right or wrong. It’s subjective indeed. Maybe I am just a weakling, or just can’t handle my current situation, but I get to appreciate moral theology and its premise. It attributes the truth to the revelations of what is called God rather than to one’s experience and human reasoning alone. Somehow this powerful Being is the dominant, the one who is in control. We people are supposed to be the “submissives”, the ones who conform to the rules and standards set by him. In return, we are rewarded with consolation and burden that is light.
Beyond all of this, I find myself not caring. I have been damaged so much I don’t have the ability to trust myself and any other unseen being. When the dawn breaks, I have to wake up knowing that no one will take responsibility over me, no one is there to adequately provide for my needs, no one is there to do anything for me. I am alone. Day by day, I am just getting by. I am afloat yes, not anchored to anything except to the idea that I need to survive.
That is, in some point, this kind of discourse is superfluous. We get to survive even without knowing what’s what. But don’t get me wrong. I still pray and will never commit suicide. And I am thankful that I get to be in touched with this higher and more profound subject. As said, an unexamined life is not worth living. I believe this is just an opportunity for my beliefs to be tested. I am hoping to pass.
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