Closeted

It's been a while since I  did this; putting into words what I feel in the hope of being more in touched with myself. Right now, I guess I just need to. There are just this things that are better understood when contextualized. There are things that are best understood by the self, so they're not shared, at least verbally and spontaneously in front of a someone, a friend for instance. But well, here it goes.

I like this guy. He's like this person from another planet, having a different religion as mine. It's been going on for a while, until yesterday when I felt something. It was fading. I just felt it. 

I'm actually quite happy about it finally settling down. Thinking about him isn't that hopeful anymore. He'll be gone for two years anyways because of this proselytizing stuff in their religion. Plus, I don't want my energies and motivations to be dependent on him.  

Anyways, I'm still thankful for the times that we've been together. Talking to him, and probing every aspect of his life was like the most exciting that I did for the last few months of my life. I also thank him for letting me know him more and  sharing to me things about his religion. But I know, now is the time to let go.

I guess I should thank him more for letting me know and be certain of myself, such as my sexuality and gender preference. I'm actually amazed by describing my thoughts about my now ex-crush as "hopeful." It's just that at the back of my mind, I want to be with him, to tell him how I liked him a lot. I want to cuddle with him, like Peeta and Katniss do. I want someone to make me feel special, the way someone in love do. Yes, I was very hopeful.

I've just learned how Tom Daley has come out as bisexual and now is dating Dustin Black. He described what he felt as " so happy, so safe, and everything's just so great." I would like to feel that as well with another guy. Everytime I go to mass, it's one of the things that I pray for. It's like deep in my heart, it's what I want, it's what I need.

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But there's something in me that says how wrong it is. The world is just so vindictive of homosexuals. It's like a sign has been hung all over that says "heterosexual relationship only is accepted here." Being in a homosexual relationship creates this fuss, prejudices and discrimination. I don't know if I'm ready for them. But, with the right person, I will.

Now, I know I have this personal relationship with my God and is religious in my own little ways so I'm kinda curious if God will be angry with me and give me all this punishments. Is it wrong to pray and ask for a male human being to have a boyfriend? A companion that would actually make his life happy? Will He even listen for me to finish my entire plea or just shut me up and tune His ears out? 

Significance of Others to the Self

          

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            We are innately social beings. This underscores my point as to why and how others have significance to the self.            First, the others are important to the self because through interacting with them, we know profoundly who the self is. How? The self is a mystery to himself, so we need others to unlock this mystery. As said, the self measures, investigates and judges the others. Hence, through interaction, we discover how different we are. Somehow, this difference pointed out makes our true self surface. Thus, we say, "I am not like them because I'm like this." The self knows itself.
           Second, we find meaning to our selves' existence through helping others. We all have gaps to fill, and filling up other's gaps give the self profound satisfaction.

Pagkayaon As An Experience From my Family

How did I experience “pagkayaon” from my family?

Tria said that “pagkayaon” is the authentic offering of one’s self to others. It neither coerces nor manipulates. Hence, it is merely letting others know that the self is there for them. As said, it is an offering.

I thought that I will find it very hard to think of some “pagkayaon” experience as I first looked at the guide question. This is not without reasons of course. Have you ever found out a dark secret from your parent’s past? Well I did. I felt then that they didn’t really let me know who they are. The other reason maybe is that I did not understand the concept of ”pagkayaon” very well. After reading the relevant chapter several times, I have reflected that I have actually been experiencing from my family, my parents in particular, the very notion of “pagkayaon.” After which did I realize that knowing some not so good stuff from others’ past doesn’t necessarily mean that they have not genuinely offered you their selves. I have realized that people naturally is imperfect and does mistakes. This also applies to me. So, I am very grateful for my family for accepting and dealing with my imperfections. Thus, one of long list “pagkayaon” experiences from them. Consequently, I must also do the same. As Tria have conveyed, pagkayaon requires pagkayaon as a response. Not doing so is a betrayal.

Talking about a long list, I could also pick one I deem relevant and “share-able” if you know what I mean. Back in high school, not to brag, I was a student so enthusiastic about studies, conscious about grades, hungered for awards and kind of maintaining a reputation of being on the cream of the crop. Of course it was not easy. At times when I am very much anxious of not attaining my goals, I’d go share with my parents, my mother most of the times, and share my predicaments. The way they respond always lets me know and become certain that they will be there and accept me no matter what, low grades and all. And they do. They would even accept me if I become so dumb, which I won’t let happen.

Thus, they really are offering themselves to me as they are and not dictating that I do things like exert effort more to study, don’t watch the television, confiscate my cellphone or prohibit me from logging in on Facebook. Hence, a true and simple manifestation of “pagkayaon” from my family.

"Pagkayaon asin Pagkaigwa" plus Myself

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If I could pick one lesson that I find striking that I would reflect on, it would be the concept of “Pagkayaon asin Pagkaigwa.” I am a type of person who doesn’t want to share that I am in a struggle, say for instance when I am running out of my allowance to my friends. I am conscious of how others would perceive me. So, I try to modify my true self to control the image that they could picture out when they hear my name. You know when you have this ideal self that you have in your head and you actually try to be that picture in the eyes of everyone? I think that’s more of me now. Thus, I actually find it hard to have real friends, especially here in the Ateneo. I just have this notion and conclusion based from my experiences that to have friends in environments like this means that you would go out with them to expensive fast food chains, eat in restaurants, go shopping together, talk about the wonderful places that you have been into, among other things like having the latest gadgets and most trendy clothes. You see, this is an example of an ideal self that I am talking about. I am not saying that the environment in the university is generally not apt for genuine friendships to flourish, what I am saying is that I somehow feel obliged to show and possess material things to actually be in a group. That is, to show “pagkaigwa.” This is really wrong based on the concept of “Pagkayaon.”

All these having said, I believe that it’s just me being materialistic and all. Having learned about how right and healthy it is to show, present and offer one’s self, bare from everything worldly makes me want to change my being pretentious to being truthful. Based on the lesson, I feel remorseful due to the fact that in a way I am manipulating others and pushing them to actually like me. How shameful is that!

In general, this reflection conveys that I must change. Do more of “pagkayaon” instead of “pagkaigwa.” With this, I could only hope that people would like me even better and actually appreciate the real and authentic me. I could only imagine the profound happiness I would experience if this happens. “Baby steps,” they say. I know it would be gradual, but I assure myself that I will change.

The Self as a Danger to Others

The title of this entry made me think of Adam Smith’s “Invisible Hand Theory.” This particular theory says that everyone is inclined in satisfying self-interest. Hence, no one is what some called “selfless.” We all are selfish in our own ways. As Smith had said, it is not from the generosity of the baker that we get our bread, but from their own interest. As a business student myself, I really can understand. At the end of the day, we are for profit. Thus, we are guided by our self-interest.

Furthermore, this process of gratification of self-interest in the extreme could be very harmful. This I understand from the material. It is dangerous in the sense that it degrades others. We as selfish selves could just think of them as some kind of controllable commodity. We could manipulate them just to get what our selves want of them. Hence, committing violence and crimes.

That having said, I am somehow strengthened and enlightened at the same time. I am my own self. I won’t conform to others will that is against my own. I won’t allow myself to be manipulated to be at other’s benefit and to my expense. I will uphold my own being. I won’t allow myself to be abused, to be subjects of crime or violence. I will fight.

I too have my own needs. I’m not saying that I’m not selfish in my own ways. I also have needs that others only could satisfy. It’s just that others are also selves outside our own selves that need to be upheld. I won’t do what I don’t want others do to me.

Indeed, it’s true that we give the standard of measurement in judging others. Our own selves strive to be more of power than others. No one must be lowered down as well as to be stuck in it. We all struggle to be up there, higher and more powerful than others. In essence it’s very good. We are just optimizing our talents and abilities to be of benefit to our selves and to the community as a whole. It just goes bad when we get too engaged with it too much that we are stepping and looking down at others. How to avoid this? I don’t know. We all have different values. We grew at different environments. We all are our own selves. As for me, I think I was raised relying on my own abilities and not on others as stepping stone.

Perhaps, it really is very different from each of us. Some say that those who are criminals and inflicting harms against others are those who are kind of empty in a sense. Their emptiness in a way finds a way to be filled up through others. Thus, I believe, it’s a crucial job for the parents and the society as a whole to instil and promote good values. Families, as the basic unit of the society must be very keen as to raising their own children taking note of the needs of their children in every aspect. I am lucky to have been born to a good family. I’m not saying that my family is perfect though. I just have been taught of the things that actually matter.

Being in this kaleidoscope world, it is not inevitable that some persons would be better than others in various aspects. I think it’s just the job of the self to find its own talents. In this way, he won’t be feeling deprived that he would actually satisfy this in the most inhumane ways. I for instance have also my weaknesses. But I know my strengths. There are times that I feel insecure of others, but it just passes by. I am my own self. They are others. We are different. Perhaps, we are what they call diverse. Together, we make a world.

There are times that I think of being manipulative. There are times that I feel I am using my wit just to get what I want. I believe it’s inevitable for teenagers like me. We are not given all things that we want. We find ways. Sometimes these ways are wrong. But it is in a way, making us live our lives happily. A potential danger, isn’t it?

At the end, of this paper, I am making a pledge, not of being selfless because it’s impossible, but of controlling this potential in the lower concentration. I could use of it sometimes, but of minimum harm. At the end of the day, we have our own needs to satisfy, we have others to satisfy, we have others as hindrances for this satisfaction.

Marcos Regime on Macroeconomic Development of the Philippines: My Reflection

In all honesty, I actually do not care of what has happened in the Philippines on the years past my existence. But, having discussed and read some supplemental material about the Macroeconomic Development of the Philippines from almost past 40 years, it made me aware of how my Philippine history lessons actually have relevance to our nation’s economy then and now. Perhaps, this awareness has widened my understanding of the historical significance of those events, mainly the Marcos regime, assassination of Ninoy Aquino, among others. Of course, the significance is not only for me, but to the whole constituents of our nation as well.

Now, I am somehow enlightened as to why the Philippines is said to be buried in a heap of debt. I keep on hearing this description yet I really couldn’t explain. As said, history explains the present.

One of the most underscored and highlighted persons in Philippine history and macroeconomic development of the Philipiines for this matter is Ferdinand Marcos and his regime, which I could characterize as a period that is good at the start and terrible on the long run. I believe Marcos has truly these good intentions for the Philippines, taking into consideration his macroeconomic development strategic plans, i.e. the Green Revolution, Export Agriculture and forestry, and foreign borrowing. The vision was really good, brilliant I may say. But the execution went wrong along the way. This makes me really sad.

I’m not feeling angry with Marcos or anything. For all we know, he’s also not conscious that he’s doing the wrong thing. Like I said, for me has really good intentions. Maybe he just overlooked the process being very ambitious and mainly concentrating on the end goal. This is manifested through him declaring Proclamation No. 1081, effectively installing martial law in the Philippines, thus suspended civil rights and imposed military rule in the country. I credit him for his justification. He stressed that rebels must be impeded to uphold National Security. I think he just didn’t deal with the problem face on. He must’ve gone to the root of it. He must’ve solved the issue beyond the issue and not dealt with the manifestations of the problems.

Another thing I see that went wrong is him being very friendly. Well, “friendly” is a euphemism. It’s just on the process of the implementation of his macro-economic development strategies, he somehow has given most of the benefits to his cronies, people socially related with him. As a capitalist country, being under strict supervision and control of the government, it is but inevitable for this capitalists to be very powerful in the market to the point that they monopolize their respective industry. His cronies led the leading crops being exported during those times such as sugar, pineapples, coconuts, bananas etc. You see, instead of lifting up the Philippines as a whole, he just widened the gap between the rich and the poor. In fact, Poverty during the Marcos era deepened despite a modest increase in average national income. Additionally, income inequality increased.

Furthermore, I believe the main cause of the great amount of foreign debt of the Philippines is his move of loaning from other countries to finance government spending, aiming to push the economy up. I actually thought this as very risky if not extravagant, yet this really went well at first according to facts and figures. Expenditures on infrastructures have somehow succeeded in temporarily promoting tourism and economic growth. But, his being “friendly” surfaced again. According to Joseph Lim of the University of the Philippines, a businessman in 1981, a crony of Marcos, fled the country with $80 million worth of debt in international and local banks. Because of the gravity of the parties involved, the Central Bank, together with national banks like Philippine National Bank and Development Bank of the Philippines, formed a bailout package and rescued the banks and companies implicated, which paved way for “the expansion of the money supply from 1980 to 1983.” The outflow of capital, termed “capital flight", contributed to the foreign exchange depletion. Eventually, lavishness led the Philippines to default. Hello to debts for the Philippines.

It’s just very saddening that a President of one’s country would use the money of the public for the benefit of the private ones. In this move, I won’t credit him as having good intentions. Didn’t he learn from his Taxation class that taxes are exclusively for public use? I guess he became drowned by the thought that he is the president of the country, and he can help his “friends” in need because of this power. One word, “Pride.”

For me the main lesson here is for leaders to be good followers, not of their self-interests, but of the interests of his constituents as a whole. Every action that’ll be made must be in accordance to morality, ethics, and the value of beneficence.

Marcos regime is just a proof that a country democratic as we are, must be by the people, of the people and by the people. A move such as cronyism, and by a dictator/president for this matter, won’t totally succeed in enhancing macroeconomic situations of a country.

The good news is that these ripples of Marcos’ faults are now being stopped. Kudos to the current administrations. It’s good to learn and understand things like this. Marcos taught us many lessons, this he did. There is hope for the Philippines. I’m certain that we Filipino’s won’t let history repeat itself.

A Love Letter

Originally made this to grant a favor from a friend. That was a year ago I think. Now, I guess I am posting this for myself.

Dearest,

Love is a corny thing to talk about. It’s even cornier to write about it. But you know what; everything makes sense when one is in love. Some may say that we are just rationalizing things, yet only those who know the feeling can deeply understand. Also, a man cannot write a love letter if he is not so deeply in love enough to compel him to be humble as to swallow his pride. So here I am, letting all my defenses down and painting my sincerest feelings in words. Here I go.

I never thought that I’d be this happy before I have met you. I mean, all my life I feel this emptiness as if there is a hole in my heart that yearns to be filled with something I cannot fathom. I have tried to engage into things and kept myself busy hoping that somehow it would erase the horrible feeling of something lacking. Some turned out bad (as you have known). And then unexpectedly, you came along. Everything seems so right now. Well, almost.

Perhaps even the most romantic stories ever created have their trials and difficulties. I believe that God also as the editor of our love story, is brewing one of them. I may not be the perfect man for you in the eyes of others and I am not sure if I will ever be. Yet, one thing I am very certain about is that you are perfect for me. You are the missing piece of my whole being. You complete me. And I’d do anything to linger in your perfection. 

I don’t know if distance is a problem. Is it? Yes we are kilometers away from each other yet, I revel in the fact that you are on your way of fulfilling your dreams. The thought that you are steps closer to what you wanted to be gives me happiness. Just remember that I am here for you. Faithfully, I will be waiting for that golden day that we will be holding each other’s hands as we go on to a life-long journey together, going to places inseparably.

It is truly wonderful being with you. Every time that we are together, I always wish that time would stop. I am very grateful to you giving me this great opportunity of spending and sharing my life with you. Every moment is treasured in my heart. I love you so much, always and forever. Happy First Year Anniversary! There may be more difficulties ahead of us yet I will remain strong. As Taylor Swift says in her song, “Life makes love look hard. The stakes are high, the water’s rough, but this love is OURS.” No one can take this away from us. Instead we’ll cultivate it with more love, faith and trust. 

Random Chapters

This is an exerpt from something that I wrote.

Chapter 4

The Demise

Summer before I turned 4^th year high school is when my mother experienced the peak of suffering from the pains of cervical cancer. I remember her crying so loud. What did I feel? I felt I don’t want to feel anything. I was tuning her out. I just don’t want to feel sad and concerned. It’s just too painful. Back then I felt as though the experience is much for me to bear. Right now, while writing this, I can’t help but be sad. I miss her so much. She died June 27, 2010.

 

Chapter 5

The Reaping

 

I’ve said a while ago that I have a thing on announcement of honors. I remember the announcement of honors when I am to graduate in high school. It just for me is dramatic. Well, I found it wonderful that I cried when I heard the news. Standing in front of my teachers and batch mates, it dawned to me that this is the product of my hard work. I’m reaping my harvest. I even imagined my mother watching me and applauding. It’s really  a dramatic moment for me.

Javert and Jean Valjean

The characters of Javert and Jean Valjean are said to be of binary opposition. For one, they represent the concept of what is just and right in two different and sometimes opposing ways. Javert embodies the abstract of being right and just in strict accordance to man-made law and written formal norms. On the other hand, Jean Valjean is a representation of what's right and just that is modified by love, compassion, and of morality. These having said, we could see where there characters are founded. Javert is very loyal to man-made law thereby imbibing law-made concept of justice. Hence, a violation, however small they may be must be duly punished as stated in the law. Valjean lives with morality, understands deeply humanity (being human) and conforms to justice according to the law of the divine. That people do change and capable of redemption, deserves second chance,that violations are modified or somehow lessened by intent and circumstance.

Additionally, Javert's conscientious adherence to the law would represent the upper class (bourgeoisie) maintaining their status and keeping their power over those of the lower class (proletariat). Hence, preserving the status quo. Valjean, a running criminal and a proletarian turned bourgeois himself, silently seeks to change, rather than preserve, the social strata through providing employment and helping the needy. From these we could see that they are both right and wrong in different contexts. Javert being right according to the law but wrong in the eyes of ethics and morality. Other wise Jean Valjean is wrong because of his negligence to the law yet right on the side of humanity.

Furthermore, it is not wrong to imply that imply that Javert is the conservative one while Valjean is a reformist, an agent of change. This could be related to why Javert still wants to capture Valjean after so many years (so many that Valjean had already changed). The inspector believes that people cannot possibly change, i.e. "Once a criminal, always a criminal." Yet change did Valjean. Thus it is safe to imply that their characters also represent the parties involved in a development and/or revolution. Javert being the resistance, Valjean the aggressor. Moreover, there's hope for change. If Valjean can, we can, the society can.

At the end, Javert, whose principles and values were shaken by Valjean's, killed himself. Perhaps this is the keypoint of the story's theme. The message is that "Javert" of the society of the society will perish and will be vanquished if more "Valjeans" would rise. But this is not a call for armed revolution. The story clearly shown the use of guns as weapons isn't effective. This is more of a revolution of the intellect and of love- to use the minds and hearts as armors- to apply in words and deeds fields of philosophy, theology and morality as weapons in eliminating illnesses of the society and in changing a very degrading status quo.

The story's subject matter may be bounded by time and place but its theme and its essence as a work of art transcends generations and territories. Les Miserables is timeless. Praises to Victor Hugo!

My Reasons to say YES to Duwang Camarines

 Perhaps House Bill 4728, also known as “An Act Creating the Province of Nueva Camarines”, now amended and replaced with HB 4820, is in its incubation period. Hence, it’s not as noisy as other issues we have today. Yet as a constituent that is directly affected by this, I think it would still be worthwhile for me to discuss about this social issue.

History has it that the term division is not new to Bicol Region. The same process occurred for several times already since its foundation on 1573. Bicol was then split into two namely Partido de Ibalon and Partido de Camarines on 1574. Come March 19, 1919, the latter was further divided into Camarines Sur and Camarines Norte which was acclaimed as separate provinces by a decree of the first Philippine Legislative. This is my ground in saying that time is already ripe for us to undergo yet a similar process – for progress, and for the next generations’ benefit.

For one, legal requirements under R.A. 7160 or the Local Government Code of 1991 are met; thus, qualifying the two consequent areas to be provinces themselves. In fact both shall easily qualify for first class status if ever.

This could also be logically advantageous in the sense that smaller areas of jurisdiction will make monitoring and management easier. It would facilitate administration of basic social services to reach remote and neglected areas. This in turn would provide opportunities for social and economic growth. In the same way, towns that will share the allocation of Internal Revenue Allotment (IRA) would be decreased; thus, will and must receive more of it.

Analogically, this is like our parents seeing us graduate high school and progress to college. They would do everything just to support us; hence, investing for our future to be as bright as they plan. I know this would be costly a venture, yet every investment entails this kind of sacrifice. This is why those who spearhead this action must prove themselves trustworthy enough to bear this risk.

So I say, let not self-interest impede, or mainly promote this move. Decision-making must be guided not by maintaining or keeping neither status nor reputation. Rather, by the welfare of the present and future constituents.

A Soliloquy

I failed. Or at least I will. I do not know for sure but things just come hard for me now. I want to cry while hugging my Mama. I miss her very much. I yearn for the warmth that I feel whenever I'm within her embrace. I think I am suicidal. Yes, there I said it. I am having this urge to end it all now. I know it's wrong and against God's will yet I am having this notion that it's good to do it now. I now understand people who commit, committed, or feel to commit it. It's just too much of a burden to carry. My brain cannot function well now. It's too heavy. I feel there is this metal in my brain that puts its weight to my skull. God, please help me.

 

I envy others. Their lives seem to be light and easy. Failing is nothing of a worry. They'll just retake or shift course if they did given their affluece that makes them capable to afford matriculation.It is hard being a scholar. It's like you have this anxiety behind every exam or quiz or projects. Thus, you push yourself to the limit to the point that you become too hard to yourself. I am not enjoying this. I am not living my life. I am not living my life happily and comfortably the way I want it to be. I want to laugh out loud without any worries of not eating later because I'm short of my allowance.I want to eat everytime I feel the urge to do so. I don't blame my father for this. Or at least this is what I am trying to instill in my head. That he is doing his best. It's just not good enough to afford the cost of living of a struggling student in a prestigious school. Yes, I feel like a fish out of water being in the university that I am now. There are times that I want to engage in co-curricular activities yet though I know that I have the capabilities to assume roles and do responsibilities, I can't be as sociable. They're just so high I can't stand them looking down on me.

 

I am lost. I am shrinking. I am falling into a deep ravine groping for somehing to cling to. I am giving up. Right now I just want to fall into the deep and stay ther not caring of what is the brightness up there somewhere. I just want to let time pass without knowing and awareness.

 

I want to be alive, for I am dead. Being so idealistic, ambitious and being a social climber as to enter this institution is a mistake, in fact lethal. I've unconsciously engaged myself to an act of ending my life.

A Filipino Family Issue

Working at a far place and leaving the country means detachment from family members. It also means depriving one’s self of guiding children and watching them grow. Many things are indeed sacrificed when one does work in a faraway place. That is, one of the most prevalent problems of Filipino families today is unwanted separation due to job demands.

Moreover, this is an issue for a family because of several reasons. First, during periods of family separation, children may have feelings of abandonment, loss of love, and resentment. Lack of supervision and guidance can lead to undesirable behavior patterns and habits. Sometimes children and youth exhibit unusual behavior while a parent is away from home for extended periods of time. These behavior problems can be manifested in such ways as being disruptive, being continually depressed, or seeming to reject love and kindness. That is, some children can go astray as to engaging into illegal drugs and destructive vices such as drinking hard liquors and smoking and hanging out with friends that are of bad influence. Secondly, there can be a tendency for either the spouse at home or the one who’s working to establish association with single adults. In other words, extra-marital affairs can flourish. When life gets lonely, it is most likely for either of the two to succumb into temptations. Thirdly, though relatives are there, it is difficult for a spouse especially the one left at home to handle a crisis alone. Sadly, these implications that I mentioned really is happening in reality. That’s why no one can argue that this is indeed a problem.

Perhaps, this occurrence is mainly caused by the unstable economic situation in the Philippines, high unemployment rate and low and unsatisfactory salaries that are offered by local companies. These causes are mainly at the government’s hands to solve.

But the consequences brought about by the problem of parents’ unwantedly separating from their families due to job demands is for the members of the family to adapt and solve. This having said, I believe that this issue can be addressed through maintaining communication. Communication between the one working in a far place and their families is extremely important to ensure that family members stay connected and involved in each other's lives. That is, they could still have the chance to guide their children and talk to their spouses. This can be done through e-mail messages, telephone calls, letters Facebook chats, and in some cases, Internet video communications such as Skype. Regular communication helps alleviate family anxiety and concern over the welfare of the one separated. Also, communications can be great sources in helping the one separated remain inspired, faithful and resist temptation.

Pure Imagination

There is no, life I know

To compare with pure imagination

Living there you'll be free,

If you truly wish to be.

I hear the song Pure Imagination playing.

I don’t know where it is from. But I’m sure I am not just imagining the sound.

I’m an avid fan of Glee.

A Gleek as they say, that’s why I’m sure that it’s their version of the song.

If you want to view paradise,

Simply look around and view it

Anything you want to do it

Wanna change the world?

There's nothing to it.

Yeah, the song is right.

Fantasizing is one of the many ways of dealing with stress.

I don’t know how effective this is.

But, in my lowly times, I really do fantasize.

We'll begin, with a spin

Traveling in the world of my creation.

What we'll see, will defy explanation.

.

.

Someway, somehow, I find comfort in fantasizing things.

I feel consoled when I do imagine things are here…

that they are mine…

that they are real.

But of course they aren’t.

The more I fantasize, the more I know, and eventually accept that things are just not meant to be.

They are all just on my head.

They’re all pure imagination.

The song fades. But the thoughts it evoked lingered.

Most of the times I fantasize meeting a genie.

Then the genie would give me a chance to make three wishes that he’ll turn into reality.

My first wish would be, for him to conjure up a backpack full of money. And the money will never run out. Then we’ll never experience a financial dilemma anymore. I could acquire the latest gadgets, the most fashionable clothes and eat the most delicious foods anytime of the day. We can address our needs in an instant.

With it, we can build our own dream house. My father as the engineer of course. I know for a fact that the home is more important than the house itself. But,most of my life, we lived in the house of my mother’s parents. I can tell that it’s not the perfect home because it's not the perfect house. Since my mother has passed away already, I can feel the unsaid pressure of us to go and live in our own place. My father is the one taking it the hardest of course.

My second wish is for me to be beautiful and my two brothers to be good looking as well. You can say that I’m materialistic and beauty-oriented, but we ask for those things that we don’t have right? Not to brag, but I can say intelligence is on our genes. So, I’d ask for beauty.

Additionaly, let’s face it. We all look on people’s outward appearances. It’s a materialistic world. That is, we compress a person’s worth and identity based on the superficial, on what we see. Take it from me, I know what I’m saying.

My third and last wish is for my father to have a good health. He’s almost 60 now. Most of his missions in life I believe are already accomplished. I wish him to enjoy what’s left of him in a the short line of life. I know he’ll enjoy it with good health.

Sigh…

Here I am fantasizing again.