A Soliloquy

I failed. Or at least I will. I do not know for sure but things just come hard for me now. I want to cry while hugging my Mama. I miss her very much. I yearn for the warmth that I feel whenever I'm within her embrace. I think I am suicidal. Yes, there I said it. I am having this urge to end it all now. I know it's wrong and against God's will yet I am having this notion that it's good to do it now. I now understand people who commit, committed, or feel to commit it. It's just too much of a burden to carry. My brain cannot function well now. It's too heavy. I feel there is this metal in my brain that puts its weight to my skull. God, please help me.

 

I envy others. Their lives seem to be light and easy. Failing is nothing of a worry. They'll just retake or shift course if they did given their affluece that makes them capable to afford matriculation.It is hard being a scholar. It's like you have this anxiety behind every exam or quiz or projects. Thus, you push yourself to the limit to the point that you become too hard to yourself. I am not enjoying this. I am not living my life. I am not living my life happily and comfortably the way I want it to be. I want to laugh out loud without any worries of not eating later because I'm short of my allowance.I want to eat everytime I feel the urge to do so. I don't blame my father for this. Or at least this is what I am trying to instill in my head. That he is doing his best. It's just not good enough to afford the cost of living of a struggling student in a prestigious school. Yes, I feel like a fish out of water being in the university that I am now. There are times that I want to engage in co-curricular activities yet though I know that I have the capabilities to assume roles and do responsibilities, I can't be as sociable. They're just so high I can't stand them looking down on me.

 

I am lost. I am shrinking. I am falling into a deep ravine groping for somehing to cling to. I am giving up. Right now I just want to fall into the deep and stay ther not caring of what is the brightness up there somewhere. I just want to let time pass without knowing and awareness.

 

I want to be alive, for I am dead. Being so idealistic, ambitious and being a social climber as to enter this institution is a mistake, in fact lethal. I've unconsciously engaged myself to an act of ending my life.