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So this summer vacation, I said that I will read a lot of novels. First because I like reading for pleasure. If I haven’t told you yet, I am a hedonist. So there I will read because it gives me pleasure. I just want to clarify that I am not the kind of reader who’s into books with profound themes and discussing deep concepts. I didn’t even have the courage to turn the first page of anything that is said to be classic. I will not read them unless I take a literature class and it’s a required reading. Not that I’m a shallow of a person and I can’t fathom the message that the books are trying to send across. It’s just that I read for pleasure. I am an escapist reader you may say. I read to somehow make myself forget of the shits of life. I just know that these classics are classic for certain reasons, i.e. there heavy and timeless themes. There, I am a reader alright. But I am not that quite of a reader to know of the legends of literature. 

Not that the things I read are of not much of good. I think I can pride myself enough to know what a goof story and what is not. I can identify, good prose from what is terrible. I can assess if one’s characterization is justifiable or not. To tell you the truth I have read a few books and stop it halfway because for sure it’s not getting any better, at least for my taste.

I’ve been reading a lot of Meg Cabot lately. She just gets the formula to a perfect light-natured story right. :) 

So my friend Bheck had me helping a batch of highschool students running for Student Council Organization. I was an SCO Chairperson and got a Leadership Award for it. It kinda feels nice having to share what I know. Actually what I did is just proofread their speeches but even so I felt nice having to be of help.

I kind of imagined having to share something to them if ever I’m given the opportunity to. If so, here is what I say:

“Hello guys! I feel really shy being here speaking in front of you. Miss Lorevic has me introduced in a very high profile manner. I am not. I am still a nobody. I haven’t achieved anything yet. To tell you the truth I will be spending my sixth year in college next year. How’s that for an achievement? It’s not very ideal right? But whatever. This is not about me. It’s about you.

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Maybe, for us to find a common ground here, I would like to share that I too am a Bridgetine, I am a product of this institution. I was an SCO Chairperson, Staffer of ILAW, member of Science Club and a Peer Facilitator like everyone of you here. I was on the same batch with Miss Lorevic.

I think what I would say is not just mainly for the seniors here but for everyone in highschool in general. I am sure that at this phase you still have this simplistic idea of the world. You still are very idealistic as I once was when I was like you. But eventually, you will realize that the world isn’t just black and white. It’s many shades of grey. You’ll soon realize how cruel the world is, and reality really do suck. Well it doesn’t just suck, it also bites hard. Not long enough from now, you will be in situations with real and heavy consequences, you will face pressure that will test your limits. 

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So the thing that I want to impress to you here is to live in the moment. High school is fun right? Has it ever occurred to you that once you graduate, you will forever out of highschool? I give emphasis on forever to let you know that you can never go back and be in the same moment again. It’s not like sex where you can just do it again if you miss the pleasure. It’s not. So again, live in the moment. Two or three years from now you will have met new people, have gone to new places and experience many wonderful things that will make you forget about all of this. So have fun. Have a healthy fun while you are still here.

Highschool, aside from being an avenue for creating good memories is also a place to create friendships that would last for a lifetime. So I guess one more thing that I would like for you to do is make friends. At this time, making friends is as easy as ABC. Once you’re out there people would just come and go. But your high school friends, they will always be the ones you go home to. You’ll understand this when you go home for sembreaks and holidays such as Christmas and Holy Week. 

So there. Live in the moment. Make friends.”

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And so I am writing again my sentiments. I don’t know when will I be over this. Perhaps after graduation? I really don’t know. As I’ve said what’s really killing me is the fact that I am left behind. I can’t stop myself from thinking of what others are thinking about me. But I know I really should. Stop, I mean.

I just want to disappear right now. But I know I gotta be strong. Gonna be faking it to make it. After this storm, I know I will be a new man. I just really hope I would.

I don’t actually know if I am still making sense here. I just have this urgency to write. I don’t want to mind the coherence and grammatical status of this condition. I just wanted to siphon out my thoughts or else I’m gonna lose my sanity. And I really hope I would not.

My friend called me. And I am thankful to her.

I kinda feel that I’m becoming very needy already from my friend Bheck. Perhaps I should lie low with my texting and communicating with her. So I’m back with writing. Paper may not reply but I know it would be a perfect way to convey what’s on my mind.

So here we go again. I am not sure if I should be studying this summer vacation. I know this could be very helpful. But I am still very fresh from the failure that I am not motivated to study yet. Perhaps by late April or early May I should start studying Tax and MAS. I realy should.

Also I think I must re-establish my relationship with God. I need to. Looking back at everything I’ve accomplished so far, I am more focused when I am more prayerful. Yeah, highschool and early college was the self that I need to be again. I need to be that person again.

You know what? I think internet radically changed me. From that moment my father bought me laptop, my study habit had changed. So one thing I must change next sem is to distance myself from internet so that I couldn’t have my impulsivity take over me. I am thinking this summer as a warm up for this great change that I am planning. Damn! I really need to graduate this October already!

Walk strong. Stand strong. You can do this Zec. 

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Next sem I would do better in my photoshoot with the yearbook. I would communicate with the photographers more just to feed my vanity. I would study more.

By the way, I think I am just waiting for an invitation to be back with CSV again. I miss the times.

You know what my plans are for this summer vacation? To read a lot of novels. I just can’t commit to reading right now with this heavy feeling and weighing thoughts in my head that this whole frustration has brought me.

I am still thinking how to move my things from my boarding house for 5 years. You know what I realized that it has been where I lived for five years! I accumulated more stuff that now I would need to decide whether to keep or dispose.

When I got to Naga I think I would need to buy a sack to put my things that need to be discarded.

Failure Blues

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And so it’s official. I failed Integrated Accounting. I was three points short from the quota of 87, making me not eligible for graduation this March 2016. For maybe a few reasons, the feeling sucks.

It’s just the feeling of being left behind that really kills me inside. Most of my batchmates are already marching this March as with the normal flow of our academic track. Some of them are even in the formal review centers already waiting for the final judgement i.e. board exams this May. So, because I am sure that they are to pass, I will have the opportunity to excruciatingly watch their testimonial dinner. It doesn’t get suckier isn’t it? Sighs.

Aside from that mentioned, I guess it’s the feeling of being inadequate, of being not enough.

However, as one of my acquaintances have said, I mustn’t compare myself to others. They know already what they want so they would be more driven and focused than me, a person who still doesn’t know what if I really want this. I must give it to him for making me understand this. 

Presently I am really not yet the person that can contain what it takes to be what I aspire to be. I can want all I want but it’s nature telling me that it’s not yet my time. They say that you are not the person that you need to be until you are. Change doesn’t happen in one snap. Changes are gradual and unconscious. It must feel unforced and natural, at least this change that I am heartbreakingly talking about should be.

You can say that I am just looking at the silver lining here to excuse my lack of study habit and laziness. To be totally honest I think I am really scapegoating too. I can say a million times that it’s okay, but fact is, it is truly not.

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But I guess we have the power to choose our own truths. I choose this. I failed yes. But this failure is for the better. This failure has just given me more time to improve myself in a safe environment so that I could conquer the outside world that is needless to say, unsafe, where errors have real weight and consequences. 

All I can do now is accept this temporary failure with finesse and honor. I shall carry on.

Another thing that this whole situation has given me is the chance to reunite and remember who I am without the laces of school and studies. It made me realize how distanced I am with my family and my home. This summer, after 5 years, I am to spend time at our residence with my family and the community that I have grown up with. This feels kinda nice actually, reuniting myself with my own self. This is my identity, the one that I forcefully forgotten in the vain and restless search for a dream that now is not making sense. It is my hope that this would rejuvenate the already tired and exhausted spirit that I have.

It’s a wonder how one negative thing branches out to many positive things. Now I am carrying on with optimism and much needed courage. There are lots to look forward to. May God help me.