Have you ever been into situations when you are so tired or so sick and you think you just need to sleep and yet can’t do so? These are the times where you realize that what you think you need in the moment is not really what you have to have.

It is just recently that I’ve come to admit how fascinated I am with celebrities and the perfect lives that they seem to be living. I know, I know. No one’s life is supposed to be perfect. But these people, these beautiful and charming people seem to just have a way out of the miseries this cruel world brings. This is why I have this great respect to artists, the good and serious ones, not necessary celebrities, who let us believe that there is more to life that is still unexplored and wonderful. I have this fascination to this actors and actresses maybe for the reason that they are the ones on the front lines, they are the ones who directly get the message and emotions across. And when they do, the most amazing things happen, we are moved, inspired and comforted from our everyday tribulations. What these actors do is one of the few things that must not be set aside as something irrelevant. For people like me who are just holding on by a thread to their sanity, admiring someone, be it based on their physical attributes, wit or status in life, is just what we need to carry on. 

 

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Some say that people who have been through a lot of sufferings, hardships and difficulties grow to be the most humble. But I came to realize that this is a conclusion not applicable to all. For one, those people are the ones who were humiliated, were set aside and have struggled. They became very strong and courageous in the process. They are the ones who will come on tough and yes, intimidating. This may be described as a personal flourishing gone wrong but hey who could blame them? They’ve been through hell. With this I also noted that people who grow more humble and nice to the eyes of the supposedly morally upright society are those who received help, who experienced generosity from the environment, not hostility and embarrassment. People are honed by their reflections from their own personal experiences. In a way this is crucial, especially for young people who are just in their formative years, that is to say in their adolescence. They need moral guidance the most. They must not be left unsupervised. These are the times when reprimands and admonishments are most understandable and necessary.

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I am an over-thinker alright. Maybe I should just stop over-thinking.

Maybe I should just stop my excessive reflecting over things, over my experiences. Over-reflecting does more harm than good, I learned.

It’s just like zooming a picture. We zoom pictures in an attempt to know and comprehend the details that are on it. On just the right amount of zooming, it does good. But over zooming makes it over-pixelated. Over zooming makes it non-comprehensible. Over zooming makes it nothing. Zooming reduces it to just small squares that actually mean nothing.

So what I’m telling is that, the more I reflect on what’s beyond my thoughts and experiences, the more I confuse myself. The more I that I don’t understand what I’m trying to understand in the first place. That is, excessive looking over the details make me lose the whole picture. It makes the entire view meaningless, as much as the details become meaningless.

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I must not think too much. I must busy myself with work that doesn’t require myself to reflect much, and for once concentrate on things outside of my pathetic life. I need to not be idle. I need to be working. I need to be on the go. I need to be in motion. Being stagnant makes me think too much. And thinking too much isn’t good. Idle time is the devil’s workshop.

I need to occupy myself. And while on it, enjoy the mysteries that the world is unfolding. Over analyzing kills the magic, the fun. Uncertainties make life more thrilling.

This way I...

Dearest Mona and Jai,

I want you to know that I too am feeling very sad as with these recent happenings. I guess I just have my own way of dealing with it. As you’re aware by now, I’m weird that way. Parting of ways is here and there. Persons whom we are so used to being with seem to be moving on to the next chapters of their lives. I believe one thing that makes it more sad is that we are left looking back, while these persons are looking forward. So I say that we also look forward. These persons are not the only ones who are turning to the next chapters of their lives. We too are. We are all into this thing so called as  transitioning. Moving forward doesn’t mean that we are to forget. No. It’s more of carrying on to earn more things to remember. Like novels, where each chapter integrally comprise the totality of the story, our experiences also would accumulate to make the greatest story of all. Hence, whatever we have had will always be a part of our lives now. They were not just fleeting moments. They happened for a meaningful purpose.

But this letter is truly intended for you, for us. I am writing this because I know I’ll never really can express this as articulately and elaborately in a normal conversation. After a very long time, earlier this evening we three had gone out to catch up. I just felt like writing to you after that. It just occurred to me that we three are also going to part ways sooner than expected. And I’ll not be with you in Cebu, during the probably last CSV happening that would supposedly give us the chance to spend quality time together. So for the first and last time, I want for you to know how I feel.

For the next years, I would always be thinking of you come months of September and December. Months of Peñafrancia fiesta and Christmas are two of the colorful and festive highlights of our volunteer life. Likewise these are the times of perfect excuse for sleepovers. I would always remember those sleepover nights. So many memories were made there. Those times when we sleep beside each other, those times when share the last of our allowances for our dinner, those times we take care of one when he/she is sick, those times we stay up late just to watch a movie or just talk, or laugh, or hear the other’s problems, pay for one’s meal when he/she short, lending money when needed, my birthday surprise, those times when we’re in the car with Fr. Ritche messing around, the hugs and the kisses, and among many other good things. We were the definition of siblings, of family.

Most of the time I think I am the one who is need. And you were always there to help. The Mr. Gabay thing is just one of the greatest. That is, I always come to you empty handed. I don’t have anything to offer really. But you still had me as a friend. I know you’ve been to the point of almost giving up on me and my weirdness, but the fact is you never did. You’ve discovered my issues but still you’re there. You stayed. I am truly grateful for your generosity and understanding. Truly.

You two were blessings. And I will not end this letter without thanking the Almighty God for giving me the opportunity to meet you. Basically we met and became friends through our calling to serve Him and his Church. In the future, when I think of my college years, I’ll think of being a Chaplaincy Student Volunteer. CSV will always be a happy place for me partly because of the friendship that we’ve come to create.

The future awaits us. I just wanted you to know there will be a piece of you in me always. Whatever persons you become, and wherever you two are in the world, I will be sending you love.

Always, 

Zec

Graduation Blues: Perspective of a Left Behind

Perhaps some great things are not really made to last. Their being temporary is somehow the one characteristic that makes them great, the thing that makes one to want to hold on to it for a very long time and after letting go of the grip, to treasure them.

For a while, especially in the initial phases, where the thought of not having to see a friend walking the hallways is just sinking in, it will make one sad. I was sad.

Yet after attending graduation celebrations, I feel not so sad anymore being left behind and all. I came to realize that at the end of the party, I just have be thankful for what has transpired - the friendship, the moments, the laughter and everything, and sleep with a heart looking forward to what's in store for tomorrow. Surely there will be times that I'll miss them being around, but I'll carry on.

Likewise I realized that one's family are the persons who'll certainly stay. From the celebrations, I get to be introduced to family members and suddenly this thought came crystal clear to me. Friends are there, but in the end you go home with your family. And this people who I am getting mopy about because they already graduated and leaving the confines of our campus have their own lovely families. I felt slightly guilty being sad amidst their family's happy event. In a way it's been impressed to me that I don't own these people. Their friendship is really  just a gift. And I have my own family too. Better make effort to be of greatest of terms with my own family, the ones guaranteed to stay even after every graduation or other milestones, I resolved.

That is, in a very weird manner, I have come to compare graduation celebrations to wakes of a dead loved one. It makes you ready, in a very profound way to accept the circumstances, then understand that the situation calls for letting go, much as what one undergoes during bereavements.

I found myself praying and sharing to God all my sentiments as regards to this. In a way I want to be comforted. And I was.

Thanking God for the gift of friendship. Praying for a brighter tomorrow not just for me and but for my friends who graduated as well. xoxo