A Soliloquy

I failed. Or at least I will. I do not know for sure but things just come hard for me now. I want to cry while hugging my Mama. I miss her very much. I yearn for the warmth that I feel whenever I'm within her embrace. I think I am suicidal. Yes, there I said it. I am having this urge to end it all now. I know it's wrong and against God's will yet I am having this notion that it's good to do it now. I now understand people who commit, committed, or feel to commit it. It's just too much of a burden to carry. My brain cannot function well now. It's too heavy. I feel there is this metal in my brain that puts its weight to my skull. God, please help me.

 

I envy others. Their lives seem to be light and easy. Failing is nothing of a worry. They'll just retake or shift course if they did given their affluece that makes them capable to afford matriculation.It is hard being a scholar. It's like you have this anxiety behind every exam or quiz or projects. Thus, you push yourself to the limit to the point that you become too hard to yourself. I am not enjoying this. I am not living my life. I am not living my life happily and comfortably the way I want it to be. I want to laugh out loud without any worries of not eating later because I'm short of my allowance.I want to eat everytime I feel the urge to do so. I don't blame my father for this. Or at least this is what I am trying to instill in my head. That he is doing his best. It's just not good enough to afford the cost of living of a struggling student in a prestigious school. Yes, I feel like a fish out of water being in the university that I am now. There are times that I want to engage in co-curricular activities yet though I know that I have the capabilities to assume roles and do responsibilities, I can't be as sociable. They're just so high I can't stand them looking down on me.

 

I am lost. I am shrinking. I am falling into a deep ravine groping for somehing to cling to. I am giving up. Right now I just want to fall into the deep and stay ther not caring of what is the brightness up there somewhere. I just want to let time pass without knowing and awareness.

 

I want to be alive, for I am dead. Being so idealistic, ambitious and being a social climber as to enter this institution is a mistake, in fact lethal. I've unconsciously engaged myself to an act of ending my life.

A Filipino Family Issue

Working at a far place and leaving the country means detachment from family members. It also means depriving one’s self of guiding children and watching them grow. Many things are indeed sacrificed when one does work in a faraway place. That is, one of the most prevalent problems of Filipino families today is unwanted separation due to job demands.

Moreover, this is an issue for a family because of several reasons. First, during periods of family separation, children may have feelings of abandonment, loss of love, and resentment. Lack of supervision and guidance can lead to undesirable behavior patterns and habits. Sometimes children and youth exhibit unusual behavior while a parent is away from home for extended periods of time. These behavior problems can be manifested in such ways as being disruptive, being continually depressed, or seeming to reject love and kindness. That is, some children can go astray as to engaging into illegal drugs and destructive vices such as drinking hard liquors and smoking and hanging out with friends that are of bad influence. Secondly, there can be a tendency for either the spouse at home or the one who’s working to establish association with single adults. In other words, extra-marital affairs can flourish. When life gets lonely, it is most likely for either of the two to succumb into temptations. Thirdly, though relatives are there, it is difficult for a spouse especially the one left at home to handle a crisis alone. Sadly, these implications that I mentioned really is happening in reality. That’s why no one can argue that this is indeed a problem.

Perhaps, this occurrence is mainly caused by the unstable economic situation in the Philippines, high unemployment rate and low and unsatisfactory salaries that are offered by local companies. These causes are mainly at the government’s hands to solve.

But the consequences brought about by the problem of parents’ unwantedly separating from their families due to job demands is for the members of the family to adapt and solve. This having said, I believe that this issue can be addressed through maintaining communication. Communication between the one working in a far place and their families is extremely important to ensure that family members stay connected and involved in each other's lives. That is, they could still have the chance to guide their children and talk to their spouses. This can be done through e-mail messages, telephone calls, letters Facebook chats, and in some cases, Internet video communications such as Skype. Regular communication helps alleviate family anxiety and concern over the welfare of the one separated. Also, communications can be great sources in helping the one separated remain inspired, faithful and resist temptation.

Pure Imagination

There is no, life I know

To compare with pure imagination

Living there you'll be free,

If you truly wish to be.

I hear the song Pure Imagination playing.

I don’t know where it is from. But I’m sure I am not just imagining the sound.

I’m an avid fan of Glee.

A Gleek as they say, that’s why I’m sure that it’s their version of the song.

If you want to view paradise,

Simply look around and view it

Anything you want to do it

Wanna change the world?

There's nothing to it.

Yeah, the song is right.

Fantasizing is one of the many ways of dealing with stress.

I don’t know how effective this is.

But, in my lowly times, I really do fantasize.

We'll begin, with a spin

Traveling in the world of my creation.

What we'll see, will defy explanation.

.

.

Someway, somehow, I find comfort in fantasizing things.

I feel consoled when I do imagine things are here…

that they are mine…

that they are real.

But of course they aren’t.

The more I fantasize, the more I know, and eventually accept that things are just not meant to be.

They are all just on my head.

They’re all pure imagination.

The song fades. But the thoughts it evoked lingered.

Most of the times I fantasize meeting a genie.

Then the genie would give me a chance to make three wishes that he’ll turn into reality.

My first wish would be, for him to conjure up a backpack full of money. And the money will never run out. Then we’ll never experience a financial dilemma anymore. I could acquire the latest gadgets, the most fashionable clothes and eat the most delicious foods anytime of the day. We can address our needs in an instant.

With it, we can build our own dream house. My father as the engineer of course. I know for a fact that the home is more important than the house itself. But,most of my life, we lived in the house of my mother’s parents. I can tell that it’s not the perfect home because it's not the perfect house. Since my mother has passed away already, I can feel the unsaid pressure of us to go and live in our own place. My father is the one taking it the hardest of course.

My second wish is for me to be beautiful and my two brothers to be good looking as well. You can say that I’m materialistic and beauty-oriented, but we ask for those things that we don’t have right? Not to brag, but I can say intelligence is on our genes. So, I’d ask for beauty.

Additionaly, let’s face it. We all look on people’s outward appearances. It’s a materialistic world. That is, we compress a person’s worth and identity based on the superficial, on what we see. Take it from me, I know what I’m saying.

My third and last wish is for my father to have a good health. He’s almost 60 now. Most of his missions in life I believe are already accomplished. I wish him to enjoy what’s left of him in a the short line of life. I know he’ll enjoy it with good health.

Sigh…

Here I am fantasizing again.