It's been a while since I did this; putting into words what I feel in the hope of being more in touched with myself. Right now, I guess I just need to. There are just this things that are better understood when contextualized. There are things that are best understood by the self, so they're not shared, at least verbally and spontaneously in front of a someone, a friend for instance. But well, here it goes.
I like this guy. He's like this person from another planet, having a different religion as mine. It's been going on for a while, until yesterday when I felt something. It was fading. I just felt it.
I'm actually quite happy about it finally settling down. Thinking about him isn't that hopeful anymore. He'll be gone for two years anyways because of this proselytizing stuff in their religion. Plus, I don't want my energies and motivations to be dependent on him.
Anyways, I'm still thankful for the times that we've been together. Talking to him, and probing every aspect of his life was like the most exciting that I did for the last few months of my life. I also thank him for letting me know him more and sharing to me things about his religion. But I know, now is the time to let go.
I guess I should thank him more for letting me know and be certain of myself, such as my sexuality and gender preference. I'm actually amazed by describing my thoughts about my now ex-crush as "hopeful." It's just that at the back of my mind, I want to be with him, to tell him how I liked him a lot. I want to cuddle with him, like Peeta and Katniss do. I want someone to make me feel special, the way someone in love do. Yes, I was very hopeful.
I've just learned how Tom Daley has come out as bisexual and now is dating Dustin Black. He described what he felt as " so happy, so safe, and everything's just so great." I would like to feel that as well with another guy. Everytime I go to mass, it's one of the things that I pray for. It's like deep in my heart, it's what I want, it's what I need.
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But there's something in me that says how wrong it is. The world is just so vindictive of homosexuals. It's like a sign has been hung all over that says "heterosexual relationship only is accepted here." Being in a homosexual relationship creates this fuss, prejudices and discrimination. I don't know if I'm ready for them. But, with the right person, I will.
Now, I know I have this personal relationship with my God and is religious in my own little ways so I'm kinda curious if God will be angry with me and give me all this punishments. Is it wrong to pray and ask for a male human being to have a boyfriend? A companion that would actually make his life happy? Will He even listen for me to finish my entire plea or just shut me up and tune His ears out?
