Closeted

It's been a while since I  did this; putting into words what I feel in the hope of being more in touched with myself. Right now, I guess I just need to. There are just this things that are better understood when contextualized. There are things that are best understood by the self, so they're not shared, at least verbally and spontaneously in front of a someone, a friend for instance. But well, here it goes.

I like this guy. He's like this person from another planet, having a different religion as mine. It's been going on for a while, until yesterday when I felt something. It was fading. I just felt it. 

I'm actually quite happy about it finally settling down. Thinking about him isn't that hopeful anymore. He'll be gone for two years anyways because of this proselytizing stuff in their religion. Plus, I don't want my energies and motivations to be dependent on him.  

Anyways, I'm still thankful for the times that we've been together. Talking to him, and probing every aspect of his life was like the most exciting that I did for the last few months of my life. I also thank him for letting me know him more and  sharing to me things about his religion. But I know, now is the time to let go.

I guess I should thank him more for letting me know and be certain of myself, such as my sexuality and gender preference. I'm actually amazed by describing my thoughts about my now ex-crush as "hopeful." It's just that at the back of my mind, I want to be with him, to tell him how I liked him a lot. I want to cuddle with him, like Peeta and Katniss do. I want someone to make me feel special, the way someone in love do. Yes, I was very hopeful.

I've just learned how Tom Daley has come out as bisexual and now is dating Dustin Black. He described what he felt as " so happy, so safe, and everything's just so great." I would like to feel that as well with another guy. Everytime I go to mass, it's one of the things that I pray for. It's like deep in my heart, it's what I want, it's what I need.

www.examiner.com341  341

But there's something in me that says how wrong it is. The world is just so vindictive of homosexuals. It's like a sign has been hung all over that says "heterosexual relationship only is accepted here." Being in a homosexual relationship creates this fuss, prejudices and discrimination. I don't know if I'm ready for them. But, with the right person, I will.

Now, I know I have this personal relationship with my God and is religious in my own little ways so I'm kinda curious if God will be angry with me and give me all this punishments. Is it wrong to pray and ask for a male human being to have a boyfriend? A companion that would actually make his life happy? Will He even listen for me to finish my entire plea or just shut me up and tune His ears out? 

Significance of Others to the Self

          

benjaminnoble01.wordpress.com

            We are innately social beings. This underscores my point as to why and how others have significance to the self.            First, the others are important to the self because through interacting with them, we know profoundly who the self is. How? The self is a mystery to himself, so we need others to unlock this mystery. As said, the self measures, investigates and judges the others. Hence, through interaction, we discover how different we are. Somehow, this difference pointed out makes our true self surface. Thus, we say, "I am not like them because I'm like this." The self knows itself.
           Second, we find meaning to our selves' existence through helping others. We all have gaps to fill, and filling up other's gaps give the self profound satisfaction.

Pagkayaon As An Experience From my Family

How did I experience “pagkayaon” from my family?

Tria said that “pagkayaon” is the authentic offering of one’s self to others. It neither coerces nor manipulates. Hence, it is merely letting others know that the self is there for them. As said, it is an offering.

I thought that I will find it very hard to think of some “pagkayaon” experience as I first looked at the guide question. This is not without reasons of course. Have you ever found out a dark secret from your parent’s past? Well I did. I felt then that they didn’t really let me know who they are. The other reason maybe is that I did not understand the concept of ”pagkayaon” very well. After reading the relevant chapter several times, I have reflected that I have actually been experiencing from my family, my parents in particular, the very notion of “pagkayaon.” After which did I realize that knowing some not so good stuff from others’ past doesn’t necessarily mean that they have not genuinely offered you their selves. I have realized that people naturally is imperfect and does mistakes. This also applies to me. So, I am very grateful for my family for accepting and dealing with my imperfections. Thus, one of long list “pagkayaon” experiences from them. Consequently, I must also do the same. As Tria have conveyed, pagkayaon requires pagkayaon as a response. Not doing so is a betrayal.

Talking about a long list, I could also pick one I deem relevant and “share-able” if you know what I mean. Back in high school, not to brag, I was a student so enthusiastic about studies, conscious about grades, hungered for awards and kind of maintaining a reputation of being on the cream of the crop. Of course it was not easy. At times when I am very much anxious of not attaining my goals, I’d go share with my parents, my mother most of the times, and share my predicaments. The way they respond always lets me know and become certain that they will be there and accept me no matter what, low grades and all. And they do. They would even accept me if I become so dumb, which I won’t let happen.

Thus, they really are offering themselves to me as they are and not dictating that I do things like exert effort more to study, don’t watch the television, confiscate my cellphone or prohibit me from logging in on Facebook. Hence, a true and simple manifestation of “pagkayaon” from my family.